I think
that I have always believed in God, but my views of Him have changed quite a
bit over the years. My mom talked to me about God sometimes when I was little
and I just always knew that He had to exist.
My dad was injured in a construction accident seven years before I was
born and he should have died from all of the head injuries, but he lived. My great aunt wrote a poem about the day he
got hurt and it was framed and hanging in the hallway at my house. The poem was called “God’s test of faith” and
every time I read it I cried but I would read it pretty often because I knew
that even though it was sad that my dad wasn’t a “normal” dad, God had a plan
and it increased my mom’s faith and in turn mine.
When I
was little I was Catholic and we went to church off and on throughout my
childhood. My mom always intended for us
to go to church each week but she was often either exhausted from caring for
me, my brother, and my dad, or it was such a hassle to get out the door with
all of us on Sunday mornings that we probably ended up going an average of once
a month. As we got older it increased a
little since I could take care of myself and help with my dad. Another reason for the increase was that I
would try to get my mom to take us to church because I thought our family
should go and that it would help all of us.
I felt like I was often the one feeling the need to get closer to God
and to hopefully get my family closer to Him in the meantime. I was baptized as a baby and we went to
catholic education classes or CCD through 8th grade. I had first communion when I was in 2nd
grade and was confirmed in 8th.
I never really loved our church because I didn’t feel like any of the
services on Sundays were directed towards kids and the sermons seemed like they
rarely applied to my life. I never
really liked CCD because very few of the other kids there were focused on
learning about God or doing the right things. In short, I knew God loved me but
I had no idea how much or what I was supposed to do about it.
I went
to a Christian summer camp called Camp Good News for three summers in
elementary school, which I loved. My
best friend since 2nd grade, Kat and I were in the same cabin and
one night during the summer after 6th grade, there was a worship
service and they had everyone close their eyes and they had an alter call. Kat and I both went up to the front, not
knowing that the other was feeling the same way and accepted Christ into our
hearts for what I consider to be the first time. We were on fire for God after the service and
many of the other girls in our cabin had accepted Christ that night too, so we
all stayed up crying and singing worship songs for hours. I finally felt complete and that my life had
a purpose.
From
then on, I tried to live as closely to what I thought God would want as possible
and continued to go to our Catholic church for about 3 more years. Then sometime around the age of 15 one of my
best friends, Megan asked me to go to a church dance with her and I
accepted. The dance was a lot of fun and
she started asking me to go to more things with her, and each time all I could
think about was how nice, accepting and friendly every single one of the people
at her church were. This is where my
walk with God went off track a little.
Megan is Mormon, or part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
Saints and I soon became sucked into their way of thinking. At the time, I felt that every single thing I
was learning was getting me closer to God and causing Him to approve of me
more. I even started going to Seminary,
which is a Mormon church class held every weekday at 6am during the school
year. I would get up at 5:30 every day
and go to seminary and then go home to get ready for school. I really felt like I was learning so much and
that it was helping me in everyday life.
Many of my friends including Kat were skeptical of the Mormon church,
but I thought that I knew in my heart that I was right and they just needed to
learn more about it and they would see the truth too. My mom on the other hand was fine with me
going to seminary and church (which lasted for 3 hours every Sunday, with 3-one
hour services).
Matt and I started dating after I started going to church with Megan and since one of the rules of the Mormon church is that you can’t date until you’re 16, I turned matt down the first time he asked me to go on a date with him. He thought I was just making up excuses because I didn’t like him but then he asked me out a week after I turned 16 and I accepted. Looking back on that situation, I know God has had his hand on our relationship since day 1 and put Matt in my life at that time for a reason.
During
the summer after sophomore year, when I was 16, I went to a Mormon church camp
called EFY which stands for Espeically For Youth. I made tons of friends there and made it
known to all of the people in my assigned group that I believed in the church
and wanted to get baptized as a Mormon.
In the fall of 2002 I was baptized.
Apparently a lot of people were excited to have a convert to the church
because my baptism had the most attendants of any baptism ever held at the
Mormon church in Normal. Matt was one of
the people who came, but I think he only came to see what it was all
about. He never liked me being Mormon
but I guess he thought that he would be able to live with it up to the point
when I got baptized. After I got
baptized I literally couldn’t stop smiling and felt like it was the best thing
I had ever done. Everyone there was
happy for me, everyone except Matt, who I already loved very much.
Me
being Mormon and him not brought on many conflicts over the next year. The biggest conflict was that I wanted him to
convert too so that we could get married some day. Another of the Mormon beliefs is that only
church members in good standing are allowed into the Mormon Temple, which is
where weddings are held. And in my eyes
we couldn’t get married somewhere else because Mormons believe that in order to
get into the highest of 3 levels of heaven, where God is, you have to be
married in the temple. Fortunately,
after seeing me get baptized, Matt started researching the Mormon church and
bringing facts to me day after day. At
first I was incredibly hurt because I just knew in my heart that I was right,
but I finally agreed to just look into what he was saying, mostly just to keep him
off of my back. He bought me books,
prayed with me and showed me a massive website created by a married couple who
were raised Mormon and later left the church.
To my surprise, I started to see things in the Book of Mormon and
Doctrine and Covenants, two books that they use in addition to the Bible, that
did not line up with what was written in the Bible. I even found out that Joseph Smith, the boy,
who at 14 apparently found golden tablets and translated them into the Book of
Mormon had made revisions to certain verses in the Bible so that they would
line up with what the Mormon church believes.
I was very upset by those facts and still feel to this day that there
are many things that the leaders of the church purposefully keep from the
members of the church in order to keep them hooked on the religion. I started to realize in the late spring of my
junior year, only about 8 or 9 months after being baptized that I most likely
didn’t want to be a part of the Mormon church anymore. I had already signed up to go to EFY that
summer again so I went with an open heart, praying to God each day that I would
feel something in my heart during the lessons or testimony meetings if the
Mormon church was where I belonged, and I felt absolutely nothing the entire week.
When I
got home from camp, I wanted to go to Eastview but couldn’t just stop going to
the Mormon church unannounced since they tend to be controlling of their
members and once you’re a member it’s rare for someone to leave. So, I started going to Eastview with Matt on
Sunday mornings and then to the Mormon church afterwards since their services
didn’t start until 1:00 in the afternoon.
No one except my mom and Matt knew that I was going to church basically
all day long just so I could go to Eastview too. There are lists and lists of things that I
began to disagree with that the Mormon church believed and I started to feel
angry that they were taking away God’s fullness, His awesomeness and His glory. I felt like I was actually connecting with
the One True God when I was following the Bible alone. Finally, on August 25th, 2003,
less than a year after getting baptized, I met with Megan and Lenay, another
good friend I had made in the Mormon church, and told them how I felt and that
I wouldn’t be coming back to the Mormon church again. They were very surprised, very upset and
tried to talk me out of it, but I felt incredibly relieved and free to finally
start living my life for God and no one else.
Since
then, I’ve been going to Eastview and often times, especially right after I
left the Mormon church, I felt that the sermons were written especially for
me. I don’t usually like thinking or
talking about the time in my life when I was a part of the Mormon church and am
often ashamed that I fell into such a deceptive and untrue faith, but I know
that in the long run it made me look into what I actually DO believe and figure
things out for myself. Although I don’t
know the reason, I know being Mormon was part of God’s plan for me.
Then,
when I got to college I had a bit of a tough time and had to stand up for what
I believed in over and over again. Many
people at school liked to go out to and drink and try to get all of the
underclassmen to come to the parties as well.
Week after week I was asked to go to parties, but every time I declined. Because I stood up for what I thought was
right, people stopped asking me to hang out with them even when they weren’t
drinking and I was left with very few friends in town besides Matt. I
turned to God when I was upset and struggling with feeling lonely and it lead to me to a place where I started to realized that God
was my friend, which I had never done before. Having faith was the only thing
that got me through those few years.
Over the
past couple of years I've felt the spirit tugging on my heart that I should be
baptized again, and publicly declare that Jesus is my savior, as the Bible
calls us to, but I was hesitant. I couldn't put my finger on why I was hesitant
until a few weeks ago, but I think it was because I was worried it would bring
up bad memories of the time in my life where I was Mormon and of my Mormon
baptism. But I also thought about Ryan and hopefully future children, and
wondered what I'd say to them if they decided they wanted to get baptized and
asked about my baptism. The only thing I'd be able to tell them about would be
a Mormon baptism. I wanted to be a better example for my kid(s) and for
everyone who I interact with. I wanted to surrender my fears and worries and
just put all of my trust in God. I take such comfort in knowing that God loves
me even though I can’t fathom why. He
brings me joy even in the toughest situations and I know that He has a plan for
my life. I know I can't make it through this life without Him, my mind can't
comprehend His greatness or His plan, so I should just surrender to it and do
what He's been calling me to! So, this morning, November 4th, 2012, I was
baptized at Eastview Christian Church by my husband and best friend, the one
who helped lead me away from that path almost 10 years ago!
