Evan's Birth Story...Only 8 months late : )

My due date was November 3rd, 2013 but I was just hoping that we wouldn't have a Halloween baby. I've never thought it would be much fun to have a birthday on a holiday and we didn't have any November birthdays in our family yet. I had been having prodromal labor for over a week and knew the time was coming soon, but I was able to be patient since I have a friend who had prodromal labor for 9 days before actually going into labor, so I was aware that it was a possibility. Prodromal labor can also be known as false labor and starting on October 24th I had contractions every 5-6 min for 2 to 4 hours each day but nothing would really progress, though some of those contractions started to get pretty strong. We took Ryan trick or treating twice and both times I was walking around contracting and wondering if the baby was going to come those nights, but it decided to stay and hang out a little longer. 

 

On the evening of Friday November 1st, Matt was planning to go hang out with a friend and we were joking back and forth since he had also gone out with friends the night before I went into labor with Ryan. I told him, partially joking but mostly serious, that he couldn't stay out late because I had a feeling I might be having a baby that night. Besides my contractions getting stronger for the past few days, my body was starting to give me some of the same signs that I had before going into labor with Ryan, but I'll spare the details : ) Matt left and told me he'd be home around 11 and that I should go to bed as soon as I put Ryan to bed if I really thought I might go into labor. I had a 23 hour labor with Ryan on only about 2 hours of sleep and he didn't want to see me that exhausted again.  Ryan and I played a little and I snuggled him while we had "chill out time". I knew it was one of the last nights I'd put him to bed as an only child and it was a bittersweet feeling.

After Ryan was in bed, I admittedly did not follow Matt's suggestion to go straight to sleep. Besides being a night owl, I thought my baby might be coming and I had work to do if midwives and family members were going to be filling my house soon! I got some last minute things ready, cleaned up the house, and decided to make my favorite snack at the time, granola energy balls, which I thought would be great to eat during labor! Through all of that my Braxton Hicks were getting stronger and I was getting tired. I headed to bed around 11 so that Matt wouldn't get mad at me for staying up late when he got home, pretty sure that our baby would be here within the next 24 hours. I re-read the sweet notes and verses that my friends had sent to me as encouragement for labor and then as usual, I fell asleep almost immediately.

I felt a few contractions wake me up while I was sleeping but I'm always a really heavy sleeper so they didn't faze me too much. Then, at about 2am I woke up with a contraction and wondered where Matt was. I heard the TV on in the living room and figured he had fallen asleep so I went to go wake him up. Apparently he didn't take his own advice either and was still awake. I told him to go to bed and get some rest b/c I was pretty sure I was in labor. We both went to bed but I decided to time my contractions for a little bit to see if it was really labor. I had tested positive for Group B Strep so I had been taking probiotics and using essential oils but was also supposed to do a hibiclense rinse as soon as labor started and again a little while later to help reduce the risk to the baby. After timing contractions for about 25 minutes I realized that this was the real thing and that I should go get started on the cleanse and let our midwife know that I was in labor. As I stood up to go to the bathroom I felt and heard two big pops on my left side. It was a little painful but more than anything it felt really strange! I later discovered that it was probably my water breaking.

I went to the bathroom and then told Matt to call Dawn, our midwife.  So, at 3am he called her but didn't know quite what to say since I had just gotten him out of bed and didn't really give him any details so he just told her that I was doing the rinse and he would try to figure out where I was and call her back. I stood at the kitchen counter and tried to get the rinse mixed up and had to stop several times for contractions that were getting quite intense. All I had to do was measure out some of the rinse and add some water to it but it seemed like a very difficult task, as did my shower afterwards which also included several breaks to lean against the wall and moan through contractions. Matt called Dawn again at 3:30 while I was in the shower, and later I found out that he told her that I was at about the same stage as I was when I headed to the hospital with Ryan, 10 hours before he was born. She told him that she would get her things together, make a cup of tea, and head over. I was much, much closer to having a baby than I was when I went to the hospital with Ryan but I don't know if I even realized it at the time- I was just taking one contraction at a time.

By the time I got out of the shower the only comfortable position during a contraction was on my elbows and knees, a position I had spend a lot of time in for the past couple of weeks in efforts to get our baby to turn from a posterior position. Getting dressed seemed to take forever since contractions were coming very close together. I put my bikini top on, had to stop for a contraction. Put my underwear on, had to stop. Put my tank top on, had to stop. Put my skirt on, had to stop. Combed my hair, had to stop.

I had planned to put my hair up and put make up on, as I had when I was in the early stages of labor with Ryan (mostly just to pass the time). I had also planned to use a bunch of essential oils and light candles during labor, labor in the pool (which Matt was slowly but surely filling in the living room), and have our midwives take a bunch of pictures of us during labor but there was no time for any of that!

By the time I got back out to the living room, I couldn't even make it to the kitchen to get a drink of water between contractions. I tried to sit on the exercise ball for one contraction and it was SO uncomfortable and I had to get off and onto my elbows and knees in the middle of the contraction. I was vocalizing loudly by now and things were getting very intense, but I also felt so peaceful, in control, and confident that I could handle whatever came. Matt was still standing there holding the hose and filling the pool, I guess not realizing that he could just leave the hose in there to fill on its own... maybe he was in shock or maybe he thought I was doing a fine job on my own, I'm not sure, but it is pretty funny looking back on it!

My midwife arrived at our house at 4:10am and found me in the middle of a contraction on my elbows and knees next to the couch. After the contraction was over I sat up to talk to her for a minute. She asked if I would be ok with her checking the baby's heart rate before another contraction came and I said that was fine. Before she could walk over to me another contraction came so she waited until that one was over and got the baby's heart rate in the 140's and told me that I was handling the contractions perfectly. I told her that last contraction was much stronger than all of the others and asked if I could get into the pool. She said she didn't think it was full enough yet and I decided that I didn't think I could move at that point anyway. Another contraction came at 4:20 so I got back to my elbows and knees and my body started pushing! I had heard of it happening to other people but I guess I still didn't know what it would be like and never thought it would happen to me and it took me by complete surprise. I was still fully clothed so when I told Dawn, "I'm pushing accidentally!" she rushed over and tried to get my skirt and underwear off. She called Kim, the other midwife and just said, "She's pushing! Come now!" and told Matt to grab some chux pads. She was frantically spreading them all over the carpet around me since I told her I couldn't move and she needed to be ready for the next contraction. I guess the involuntary pushing made Matt realize this was the real deal so he came over and rubbed my shoulder and arm, I guess not knowing what else to do. Dawn told me that I needed to try to push slowly with the next contraction and ease the baby out so I did my best to fight against my body's pushing and the baby was out with the next contraction, at 4:27am! I reached down and picked up the warmest, softest, most beautiful baby boy I'd ever seen! The feeling was indescribable and I will never forget it! I cried happy, excited tears combined with some laughter, in amazement that he was here so quickly and peacefully and that I had essentially done it all on my own, without even much coaching or encouragement from anyone else. He was perfect and so sweet!

 

 

Dawn suggested that we move to our bedroom so that we would be more comfortable and so I could deliver the placenta. Kim arrived after we got to the bedroom and started helping Dawn with whatever she needed. Matt and I admired our new son while he nursed for the first time and Dawn joked that it was a good thing she didn't stay home for a second cup of tea! She was only at our house for 17 minutes before he was born! Our midwives took wonderful care of us, got a snack and orange juice for me, and made sure that nursing was going smoothly. Then, I realized that Ryan was still asleep which was a true miracle since he had only slept in his room the whole night once or twice before in his life, at almost 3 years old, and hasn't done it again since! Considering the amount of noise I was making not too far from his room and some other things about how perfectly everything worked out, there is no denying that God was there with us every step of the way! Everything was even more amazing and perfect than I had prayed and hoped for!

Dawn and Kim left us alone for a little while and Matt and I discussed what his name would be. We had already chosen the first name and Matt had been wanting his middle name to be Matthew but after he was born Matt offered the idea of naming him after one of our dads.  My dad's name is Michael, so we decided on Evan Michael Baugh!

Ryan woke up at about 5:45 and Matt went to go get him and asked him if he knew what had happened while he was sleeping. Ryan said, "No" so Matt said, "let's go see, it's in Mommy's room". At first he was a little shy and confused and wanted to hide on the other side of Matt but quickly realized that Evan was pretty cool and wanted to see him. I was able to go take a shower while Dawn did the newborn exam and everything checked out wonderfully! Ryan enjoyed watching that part and asked lots of questions.  Evan was 7 lbs 15 oz and 20 1/2 inches long, the same length as Ryan and weighed only 1 oz less. One of the notes that Dawn made on his newborn exam said that he was a "beautiful, calm, term baby boy" and I couldn't agree more!

We called our family members to let them know the good news and then Ryan and Matt went to hang out in the living room while Evan and I took a little nap together. Then Ryan got a chance to hold Evan for the first time! Ryan was amazed by Evan's tiny ears, his yawns, and how Evan grasped his finger. 

My mom came later that morning from Illinois to meet Evan and to help us for a week. My two good friends since Kindergarten, Kat and Julia, were also planning to come to Columbia that day to hang out with me so they came to snuggle Evan instead.

We had such an amazing, relaxing, peaceful day just admiring our sweet boy, taking pictures of our two boys together, eating pizza for dinner, and talking. I have no doubt in my mind that this is the birth God created and chose for Evan, long before even I was born, and that he worked out every little detail perfectly! We are still praising Him every day for our two Blessings that came only from Him!

Ryan's Birth Story...only 2 years late : )

I was due on January 4th, 2011 but somehow always had a feeling I would go past my due date and had a real peace about it. I knew our baby would come when it was ready and I wasn't anxious or impatient. A little uncomfortable for the last week or so, but still felt good overall. I woke up at about 4 am on January 8th to my water breaking.  I was completely shocked since I was pretty convinced my labor wouldn't start that way.  In fact, just the day before I was still working at Scribbles (a local daycare) and my co workers kept asking me, "what if your water just breaks while you're here at work?" and making jokes like "well at least if you're standing in the kitchen and your water breaks you can just act like the dishwasher is overflowing!" I kept responding that I had heard only like 8-10% of women have their water break at the beginning of labor so I really wasn't worried about it. 

I had only been sleeping for about 2 hours when my water broke because I was kind of waiting for Matt to get home from hanging out with his friends and I just wasn't tired so I was just hanging out and watching TV.  So needless to say, I was shocked, tired, and emotional when I was woken suddenly, so I kind of just sat there for a few minutes thinking about everything and trying not to cry.  I was so excited that I didn't have to sit around and wonder if I was really in labor or not. I was so nervous that I was about to have a baby and that my life was going to change completely in just a matter of hours (but excited about that too!).  I was so nervous that I wouldn't be a good mom even though I'd wanted to be a mom for as long as I could remember. I was so anxious to find out if I had a boy or a girl in my huge belly and meet the little one who had been beating me from the inside for months : )  So, after I pulled myself together, I got cleaned up and then went to wake Matt up.  I just shook him and said "kid, my water broke." (I've been calling him kid since high school, not really sure why!) He had also only been sleeping for a couple of hours and usually he's really hard to wake up but he woke up immediately and looked so shocked!  I'll never forget the look on his face.  Then he said, "are you sure?"  I told him I was definitely sure and that we needed to change the sheets and try to get some more sleep before the contractions got too intense.  Luckily I was able to rest for about 3 hours but then just couldn't stay in bed any longer.  I'm not the type to lose sleep over anything, but I was just too excited...and the contractions were starting to get strong enough to wake me up each time.

So, I took a shower, ate some cereal, all while in this surreal state that I was going to have a baby today!  The world seemed like it was standing still. It was a Saturday and we had no plans at all, so we just hung out around the house, getting ready but taking our sweet time. If you know me, you know I'm always in a hurry and always late, so this was really strange, but so awesome!  Sometime around 9am we called our amazing doula, Jessica just to let her know that I was in labor but told her we didn't need her quite yet. Eventually, I was doing my make up and had to stop and lean up against the counter each time a contraction came so that I could relax through it, so we decided to call her back around 1 to see if she and her 'understudy', Hannah wanted to come over soon to help us decide what to do and when to go to the hospital.  They came over around 2 and we sat upstairs on the couches and talked between contractions and they basically just timed them and watched how I was reacting to them to see when we should go in. They told me that I was handling the contractions really well (I wasn't able to talk through them at that point) and that I held my tension in my forehead so I should focus on relaxing that with each contraction. They also convinced me to eat some toast since I had only eaten ceral earlier in the day.

It was kind of strange to be sitting upstairs because we still didn't have a TV up there so we very rarely spent time there even though it was probably the nicest part of our house. We still hadn't told anyone else that I was in labor either, which was kind of exciting in a way.  It was kind of like when Matt and I knew that I was pregnant and it was our little secret for about 7 weeks. This was kind of our little secret, which we got to savor between the two of us for almost an entire day before we told anyone in our families. (And later on we'd have the secret of what the gender of our baby was for about an hour!)

So, around 4pm we decided to get ready to head into the hospital because I thought that hanging out in the tub sounded pretty good at the time and my contractions were about 4 minutes apart and had been all afternoon.  We decided before we left the house to tell a little fib to the nurses if they asked if my water had broken and when it broke because I didn't want to have to be put on antibiotics just for being in labor for too long with my water broken since I hadn't been checked and wasn't at any real risk for infection.  When we got there we walked from the parking garage and I had to stop and hang on Matt each time I had a contraction, and I felt like everyone was staring at me, but at least it was a weekend and the hospital was pretty empty (no inductions or scheduled c-sections on the weekends!).  We got to the room and they had to hook me up to the monitor for a while and they checked me and I was at a 5 1/2. We decided to walk the halls for a while to try to get things to progress more and after about 45 minutes I decided to try to relax in the tub so we had them fill it up and I got in. This is where I pretty much went into my own little world.  I thought I was in there for about an hour or two when it turns out I was in there for about 5 hours!  I was able to relax so well and even fall asleep between contractions, which was so nice since I was already getting exhausted from having so little sleep the night before.  The tub was sort of awkward though, so in order to relax my entire body and keep my belly under the water I had to sort of lay down and hold myself up with my leg(s) on the other end of the tub which started to make my hips get sore, especially the left one. They didn't want me laying on my back, but wanted me switching from side to side every 15 minutes or so since they checked me and I had some swelling from the pressure of the water on my cervix.  They said laying on my sides would keep it from swelling more and that if it swelled too much I'd have trouble pushing when it was time.  Matt, Jessica, and Hannah were all amazing for staying in that tiny, muggy room for so long!  I know it was steamy and crowded in there but they just kept encouraging me, bringing me water to drink and putting cool rags on my head.  Matt spend a lot of time leaning over the side of the tub pressing on my hip when it was hurting too.

Eventually Jessica asked if I wanted to try getting out of the tub since I wasn't progressing much in there.  I instantly remembered hearing stories about how much more intense labor was after getting back out of the water, but I knew its what I needed to do, so I did.  This is when my modesty went out the window.  We learned in Bradley class that you would loose your modesty at some point and although I'm a fairly modest person I believed that it would probably happen to me....I just didn't know HOW much I wouldn't care who saw me in my birthday suit (for hours on end in various unflattering positions)!  After getting out of the tub I immediately wanted my swimming suit top off and I'm pretty sure I was only wearing slippers for hours!

At around 11:30pm I got out of the tub and went back to our room. I was still at an 8 1/2 or 9, and my left hip was really sore and I wanted constant, hard pressure on it during contractions. I remember Matt trying to get me to eat some of the snacks that we brought but even though I was hungry, eating made me nauseous, so I ended up only having a few wheat thins and a few sips of orange juice.

Contractions were definitely more intense out of the pool but since I had been at 8 1/2- 9 for so long they wanted me to try to use the pump to see if that would speed up contractions after being so relaxed in the tub. I hated it! It made them much more intense and I was so uncomfortable laying on the bed in one position so after about 40 minutes we stopped.  After that I remember sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning on Matt and feeling like it was getting to be too much. I felt like I was ready to push and needed to but the nurses kept telling me I was still stuck at an 8 1/2 or 9 and that I couldn't push yet. I had been stuck there for about 5 hours at that point. One nurse had me push a little while she was checking me to see if I could get past a little 'lip' but she was instructing me when to push and I got MAD! From my point of view I yelled at her and told her "NO!" but others tell me I wasn't rude so I hope I wasn't! Pushing through the checking didn't do anything and I started to get upset and overwhelmed since I felt like nothing was working and Jessica suggested I go to the bathroom again and that Matt and I talk for a minute. Emptying your bladder seems to do something to make contractions more intense and I was exhausted and not thinking clearly. I told Matt to go out and tell Jessica that I couldn't do it anymore and that I had to get some rest. The next thing I heard was him telling Jessica and Hannah that I was just a little overwhelmed, blah, blah, blah. I was angry! That is NOT what I said, I SAID I needed a break! Thankfully my amazing husband was listening in our Bradley classes and knew I was probably in transition and that we just needed another hour or so and I'd be through transition and ready to have our baby.

Our midwife, Laura, had been updated throughout my time at the hospital on how things were going but we hadn't seen her since around 6pm. She came in and checked me around 1:15am and told me something like "you can get an epidural, you can get IV pain medicine, or we can keep doing this". I was surprised by her tone since she was so sweet and had never said anything discouraging before. She seemed annoyed with me. I later found out she had already delivered 4 or 5 babies that day and was probably exhausted and just wanted to go home. Thankfully, I didn't have to say anything and Matt stepped up and said, "give us one more hour and if she's not ready to push by then, we can talk."

Jessica told me I had to just listen to my body and do whatever it was telling me to do. Best. Advice. Ever! I tuned everything out, leaned on the bed with my elbows, and let my hips sway back and forth with each contraction. I felt relaxed, my hip felt better, and I felt like I was in control again. Looking back on my pregnancy and the way the baby would kick me and bang on my hip bone, I have a strong feeling that our baby was a little off center and that the head was pointed toward my left hip and swaying like that helped the baby to move down and get in position. After an hour a nurse came back to check me again. I thought I was ready to push and prayed they would say I was ready too. Somewhat surprisingly, after hearing "8 1/2 or 9" so many times, we heard that I was at a 10! They went to tell Laura and you could tell she was surprised that Matt was right and her tone changed immediately upon coming back into the room.

This was it. It was finally time, the laboring had been worth it! I was still in a haze though and didn't really think about that at the time, I just felt the need to push and again listened to my body and got on the bed on my hands and knees. Matt was on my left side and Jessica on my right, both holding my hands, or should I say trying to keep their hands from being crushed, while I grasped them and pushed as my body told me to with each contraction. Laura was really encouraging and directed my pushing, but didn't tell me when or how long to push, which was really helpful. After a few pushes Jessica said "remember we talked about the ring of fire? Well, it's here but it will be worth it." We most definitely had never talked about a ring of fire..but I was too exhausted to talk about it then, and I learned just was she was talking about VERY quickly! It's true, a ring of fire is the perfect description! Pushing was the hardest, most painful part for me, but it only lasted about an hour. I don't remember the specific things Jessica said to me during that time, but I know for sure it would have been MUCH more difficult and discouraging it if weren't for her! I thought to myself that there was no other choice at that point, it was up to me to get our baby out!

Laura eventually said that she saw a lot of dark hair and then asked if I wanted to feel my baby's head. I shook my head 'no' and after a few more pushes the head was out. Another couple of pushes and the body was out! I still couldn't really see our baby since I was on my hands and knees and the baby was down sort of behind me. Matt announced that it was a boy and I was in disbelief! Although I said all along that I didn't have a feeling as to what we were having, I think deep down I thought it was a girl for some reason! We were still deciding between two girls names, but since it was a boy naming him was easy: Ryan Matthew Baugh <3

After I delivered the placenta (which was "on the side" which is uncommon) my blood pressure was unusually high so they monitored it constantly for about an hour and then decided I needed some medicine to help bring it back down, but after one pill I was fine and I'm happy to say that's the only medication I had during my entire labor and recovery and that none of that commotion took away from us paying full attention to our little miracle!

We were instantly in love with our boy!

 He was so alert and sweet! He came out crying "maaaa maaaa" and "nooo." While we waited for the cord to stop pulsating he nursed a little and managed to poop meconium all over me 3 times! He was weighed and measured and was 8lbs and 20 1/2 inches long.

Daddy got to hold his boy for the first time and I'll never forget his face of pure joy!

Matt learned how to change his first diaper and then went out to announce the gender, name, and stats to our families who had all had been sitting and sleeping in the waiting room for about 10 hours and they all cheered, except for my brother, who in usual fashion, just layed on the floor still half asleep. They all came in to hold Ryan for the first time but didn't stay long since it was around 4:30 am. Thankfully the nurses allowed us to sleep in that room until morning and I snuggled with Ryan for a few hours, only sleeping because I was completely exhausted, but surprisingly after that short time I was pretty well rested and ready to stare at my adorable boy all day, praising God for him!

We had lots of visitors the next day and I was surprised at how great I felt! We left the hospital as soon as they let us, about 36 hours after Ryan was born and it was so great to be home with our own little family! : )

My Testimony

I think that I have always believed in God, but my views of Him have changed quite a bit over the years. My mom talked to me about God sometimes when I was little and I just always knew that He had to exist.  My dad was injured in a construction accident seven years before I was born and he should have died from all of the head injuries, but he lived.  My great aunt wrote a poem about the day he got hurt and it was framed and hanging in the hallway at my house.  The poem was called “God’s test of faith” and every time I read it I cried but I would read it pretty often because I knew that even though it was sad that my dad wasn’t a “normal” dad, God had a plan and it increased my mom’s faith and in turn mine. 

When I was little I was Catholic and we went to church off and on throughout my childhood.  My mom always intended for us to go to church each week but she was often either exhausted from caring for me, my brother, and my dad, or it was such a hassle to get out the door with all of us on Sunday mornings that we probably ended up going an average of once a month.  As we got older it increased a little since I could take care of myself and help with my dad.  Another reason for the increase was that I would try to get my mom to take us to church because I thought our family should go and that it would help all of us.  I felt like I was often the one feeling the need to get closer to God and to hopefully get my family closer to Him in the meantime.  I was baptized as a baby and we went to catholic education classes or CCD through 8^th grade.  I had first communion when I was in 2^nd grade and was confirmed in 8^th.  I never really loved our church because I didn’t feel like any of the services on Sundays were directed towards kids and the sermons seemed like they rarely applied to my life.  I never really liked CCD because very few of the other kids there were focused on learning about God or doing the right things. In short, I knew God loved me but I had no idea how much or what I was supposed to do about it.

I went to a Christian summer camp called Camp Good News for three summers in elementary school, which I loved.  My best friend since 2^nd grade, Kat and I were in the same cabin and one night during the summer after 6^th grade, there was a worship service and they had everyone close their eyes and they had an alter call.  Kat and I both went up to the front, not knowing that the other was feeling the same way and accepted Christ into our hearts for what I consider to be the first time.  We were on fire for God after the service and many of the other girls in our cabin had accepted Christ that night too, so we all stayed up crying and singing worship songs for hours.  I finally felt complete and that my life had a purpose.

From then on, I tried to live as closely to what I thought God would want as possible and continued to go to our Catholic church for about 3 more years.  Then sometime around the age of 15 one of my best friends, Megan asked me to go to a church dance with her and I accepted.  The dance was a lot of fun and she started asking me to go to more things with her, and each time all I could think about was how nice, accepting and friendly every single one of the people at her church were.  This is where my walk with God went off track a little.  Megan is Mormon, or part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I soon became sucked into their way of thinking.  At the time, I felt that every single thing I was learning was getting me closer to God and causing Him to approve of me more.  I even started going to Seminary, which is a Mormon church class held every weekday at 6am during the school year.  I would get up at 5:30 every day and go to seminary and then go home to get ready for school.  I really felt like I was learning so much and that it was helping me in everyday life.  Many of my friends including Kat were skeptical of the Mormon church, but I thought that I knew in my heart that I was right and they just needed to learn more about it and they would see the truth too.  My mom on the other hand was fine with me going to seminary and church (which lasted for 3 hours every Sunday, with 3-one hour services).

Matt and I started dating  after I started going to church with Megan and since one of the rules of the Mormon church is that you can’t date until you’re 16, I turned matt down the first time he asked me to go on a date with him.  He thought I was just making up excuses because I didn’t like him but then he asked me out a week after I turned 16 and I accepted. Looking back on that situation, I know God has had his hand on our relationship since day 1 and put Matt in my life at that time for a reason.

During the summer after sophomore year, when I was 16, I went to a Mormon church camp called EFY which stands for Espeically For Youth.  I made tons of friends there and made it known to all of the people in my assigned group that I believed in the church and wanted to get baptized as a Mormon.  In the fall of 2002 I was baptized.  Apparently a lot of people were excited to have a convert to the church because my baptism had the most attendants of any baptism ever held at the Mormon church in Normal.  Matt was one of the people who came, but I think he only came to see what it was all about.  He never liked me being Mormon but I guess he thought that he would be able to live with it up to the point when I got baptized.  After I got baptized I literally couldn’t stop smiling and felt like it was the best thing I had ever done.  Everyone there was happy for me, everyone except Matt, who I already loved very much. 

Me being Mormon and him not brought on many conflicts over the next year.  The biggest conflict was that I wanted him to convert too so that we could get married some day.  Another of the Mormon beliefs is that only church members in good standing are allowed into the Mormon Temple, which is where weddings are held.  And in my eyes we couldn’t get married somewhere else because Mormons believe that in order to get into the highest of 3 levels of heaven, where God is, you have to be married in the temple.  Fortunately, after seeing me get baptized, Matt started researching the Mormon church and bringing facts to me day after day.  At first I was incredibly hurt because I just knew in my heart that I was right, but I finally agreed to just look into what he was saying, mostly just to keep him off of my back.  He bought me books, prayed with me and showed me a massive website created by a married couple who were raised Mormon and later left the church.  To my surprise, I started to see things in the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants, two books that they use in addition to the Bible, that did not line up with what was written in the Bible.  I even found out that Joseph Smith, the boy, who at 14 apparently found golden tablets and translated them into the Book of Mormon had made revisions to certain verses in the Bible so that they would line up with what the Mormon church believes.  I was very upset by those facts and still feel to this day that there are many things that the leaders of the church purposefully keep from the members of the church in order to keep them hooked on the religion.  I started to realize in the late spring of my junior year, only about 8 or 9 months after being baptized that I most likely didn’t want to be a part of the Mormon church anymore.  I had already signed up to go to EFY that summer again so I went with an open heart, praying to God each day that I would feel something in my heart during the lessons or testimony meetings if the Mormon church was where I belonged, and I felt absolutely nothing the entire week. 

When I got home from camp, I wanted to go to Eastview but couldn’t just stop going to the Mormon church unannounced since they tend to be controlling of their members and once you’re a member it’s rare for someone to leave.  So, I started going to Eastview with Matt on Sunday mornings and then to the Mormon church afterwards since their services didn’t start until 1:00 in the afternoon.  No one except my mom and Matt knew that I was going to church basically all day long just so I could go to Eastview too.  There are lists and lists of things that I began to disagree with that the Mormon church believed and I started to feel angry that they were taking away God’s fullness, His awesomeness and His glory.  I felt like I was actually connecting with the One True God when I was following the Bible alone.  Finally, on August 25^th, 2003, less than a year after getting baptized, I met with Megan and Lenay, another good friend I had made in the Mormon church, and told them how I felt and that I wouldn’t be coming back to the Mormon church again.  They were very surprised, very upset and tried to talk me out of it, but I felt incredibly relieved and free to finally start living my life for God and no one else. 

Since then, I’ve been going to Eastview and often times, especially right after I left the Mormon church, I felt that the sermons were written especially for me.  I don’t usually like thinking or talking about the time in my life when I was a part of the Mormon church and am often ashamed that I fell into such a deceptive and untrue faith, but I know that in the long run it made me look into what I actually DO believe and figure things out for myself.  Although I don’t know the reason, I know being Mormon was part of God’s plan for me.

Then, when I got to college I had a bit of a tough time and had to stand up for what I believed in over and over again.  Many people at school liked to go out to and drink and try to get all of the underclassmen to come to the parties as well.  Week after week I was asked to go to parties, but every time I declined.  Because I stood up for what I thought was right, people stopped asking me to hang out with them even when they weren’t drinking and I was left with very few friends in town besides Matt. I turned to God when I was upset and struggling with feeling lonely and it lead to me to a place where I started to realized that God was my friend, which I had never done before. Having faith was the only thing that got me through those few years.

Over the past couple of years I've felt the spirit tugging on my heart that I should be baptized again, and publicly declare that Jesus is my savior, as the Bible calls us to, but I was hesitant. I couldn't put my finger on why I was hesitant until a few weeks ago, but I think it was because I was worried it would bring up bad memories of the time in my life where I was Mormon and of my Mormon baptism. But I also thought about Ryan and hopefully future children, and wondered what I'd say to them if they decided they wanted to get baptized and asked about my baptism. The only thing I'd be able to tell them about would be a Mormon baptism. I wanted to be a better example for my kid(s) and for everyone who I interact with. I wanted to surrender my fears and worries and just put all of my trust in God. I take such comfort in knowing that God loves me even though I can’t fathom why.  He brings me joy even in the toughest situations and I know that He has a plan for my life. I know I can't make it through this life without Him, my mind can't comprehend His greatness or His plan, so I should just surrender to it and do what He's been calling me to! So, this morning, November 4th, 2012, I was baptized at Eastview Christian Church by my husband and best friend, the one who helped lead me away from that path almost 10 years ago!